Boldness
/God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. - 1 John 3:20
Have you ever beat yourself up for not being good enough, fast enough, effective enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, etc? I guess we all know what it’s like to have the feeling that we’re just not enough. And of course, sometimes we really do something we feel guilt or remorse about - something we can examine and change going forward. But it’s one thing to feel guilty about something you did. It’s another thing entirely to feel shame about who you are. When you feel guilty for having done something wrong, there can be hope for reform and forgiveness. But when you are consumed by a sense of shame, feeling someting about you is intrinsically wrong, it means you don’t feel forgivable. If you haven’t listened to Brene Brown’s well known Ted talks about vulnerability and shame, I highly recommend them.
Long, long before Brene Brown, John wrote these words in a letter to faithful readers, “Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have boldness before God.” This assertion is striking. When we’re not so busy condemning ourselves for our inevitable human shortcomings, we might actually get the chance to turn toward boldly following and serving God with confidence. John humbly acknowledges that we are all human and definitely will fall short of perfection. But that doesn’t meant we are not useful and needed and beloved.
St. Augustine once wrote, “Sin, but sin boldly!” It sounds like a strange thing for Augustine - SAINT Augustine, to be saying, doesn’t it? But he didn’t mean that faithful people should just begin lying, cheating, stealing and coveting their neighbor’s wife with abandon. His assertion that we should own our sin and live into it boldly was expressing a profound trust in God’s deep love and forgiveness. We definitely will sin. Even the best people sin multiple times a day in ways big and small - even when they have no idea they’re doing it. That is not news, Augustine is saying. Our particular deficits are nothing to dwell on or feel are especially unique. So, have some humility. You couldn’t become perfect no matter how hard you tried. So just swallow your pride and get on with it. Confess your sins, do what you can to amend your ways and just keep on following God as best you can, confident in God’s profound forgiveness and love for you.
If our hearts are consumed with shame and blame, we’re focusing almost completely on ourselves. Shame leaves no room in our hearts for listening to God, or for following and serving God. So go ahead and confess your sins in prayer, ask for help doing better, then stand up with boldness to give your day to God with confidence. God needs and wants you (yes exactly you) warts and all. And if you’re too busy condeming your heart, you’ll miss the biggest truth of all - that God is bigger than our hearts, knows more about us than we do ourselves - and God’s love for us is deeper than we can imagine.
I’ll end with this prayer about trust from Thomas Merton:
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
